Men Seeking Woman

Many years ago, in an effort to cure a broken heart, I went out and got wasted with a friend, we had an emotional, slurred word discussion about the short comings of the sort of fellows we were able to attract given the fact that we were both plain looking, unsuccessful women who weren’t smart enough to be loved for our minds or rich enough to buy a mimbo. We decided we had had enough of this and we were going to see what we could do about it. I staggered back to my apartment and posted the following ad on Craigslist:

Ugly woman seeks date! I am a homely 33-year-old who is nominally employed and wrought with emotional baggage. You must be devastatingly handsome, successful and well adjusted – you’re going to need to be.

I passed out. I awoke the next morning to a monster hang over. After worshiping the Porcelain God  and brushing and gargling like there was no tomorrow, I had a horrible memory. Had I actually done it,  or did we just talk about it? I rushed to the computer and checked my e mail;  I had a seventy two responses.

Now, I never actually met any of these gentlemen face to face. I did Instant message a few of them.  I was shocked that they would take the ad seriously. Absolutely none of them fit the requirements in the ad, in fact, they fell in to several different categories.

The Pervert: What could be more enticing then a close up of a penis? Isn’t that what women want? The pervert will describe in gory detail what he will do to you ( or any woman) if he ever gets a chance. The pervert will tell you that he doesn’t care about looks or weight; this is because the pervert is four foot ten, bald and weighs 330 pounds and spends most of his spare time watching porn. As a result of this he believes that there are legions of big breasted small wasted women seducing pizza delivery boys and traffic cops and posting ads on Craigslist.

The Walking Cliché: He is looking for a lover and a best friend. He wants to take long walks in the rain and share drinks beside a roaring fire. He knows how to treat a lady as all ladies want the same thing. He is not even going to try to pretend that he read your ad or that he has one single thing in common with you. He is the type who will buy you a single red rose from a rose vendor in a bar and propose marriage in front of a large group of people on the third date while a Jason Mraz song plays in the background. He is not afraid of commitment because no one can stand him for more than five minutes. He will release doves at his wedding and rent a house drawn carriage on Valentine’s Day. Run for your life. 

The Servile Loser:  This guy was up all night writing personalized responses to every ad on Craigslist. He will claim to have every quality that each woman is looking for. If a woman likes to read, he will say he likes to read. If she hates movies he will say he hates movies. If she is a member of the Aryan Nations who is into making homemade lampshades, he  will get a swastika tattooed on his forehead even though he is Jewish. You’d never want to meet this person, but, they can be fun to mess with. Tell them that you think Sarah Palin is the next Margaret Mead. Tell them that you think “A Bridget Jones Diary” was to derivative of Melville’s early work - I guarantee they will agree.

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